Theory: I believe I missed my calling

I think I was meant to be a TV show detective. 

Now, you're probably thinking "Juls, why don't you go become a detective now?" Well, firstly, wow. You're being very informal and I think you should slow your roll, here. But secondly, I don't want to be a real detective, I want to be a TV detective.  

Me...on the inside

So what's the difference?

First of all, being a TV detective means you will automatically  be assigned a partner who has a different point of view on life than you and a polar opposite approach to the job but with whom you will develop a begrudging, mutual respect. And that's amazing! In my day to day life, I tend to meet people who have the exact opposite beliefs as myself and think "What an asshole!" and we never get to begrudging mutual respect. And a TV detective gets there in a single case - a few months at worst. 

The second reason I'd want to be a TV detective is that you will never, ever get bored. Because no two people in your district die in the same way. And the longer you're at the job, the crazier the cases get: this man fell from a fifty story building and the only witness was a stray cat, this woman was driving through a tollbooth when her EZ Pass exploded, this man managed to drown in midair while sky diving (and I'm not making that last one up, that was an actual episode of Monk). Real detectives are probably like "Great, a gun shot wound to the chest. Again." And if two people do die in the same way then HOT DAMN you've got a serial killer on your hands! And, really, who doesn't love a serial killer arc? Especially because that serial killer will inexplicably single you out among the entire police force and challenge you to a battle of wits. So, really, even when it's boring it's exciting.

But the final, and most important, reason to be a TV detective instead of a real one is that you are guaranteed to meet your perp while conducting the investigation. It's going to be pretty early on and they are going to seem like the most innocuous one but I will not be fooled. In fact, I've got it down to a science. Here's the a case would break down: 

Someone would die in a highly unique and entertaining way, and there's a pretty obvious suspect. But I'm not falling for that shit. So I declare in front of the entire precinct that our suspect is innocent. Now, in the real world that makes me the office asshole but in TV detective world it makes me a goddamn maverick. I'm not creating more work for my fellow detectives and potentially keeping them from spending time with their kids, I'm fighting the system bitches! But then, oh no!, the investigation gets under way and the suspect is looking awfully guilty but I'm still not falling for it. No, I'm remembering the victim's piano teacher who had no earthly reason to kill him and who offered us cookies and lemonade when we questioned her. And I'm realizing that she had the same eye color as our victim and I, detective genius that I am, deduce that she was actually the victim's estranged niece, disowned by her parents as a teenager and effectively cut off from the family fortune but our victim never married so since her parents recently died (it came up over cookies and lemonade) the piano teacher stood to inherit everything. And I'm so convincing that she confesses on the spot in front of the entire force so I don't even have to testify in court. Because, honestly, that sounds super boring and besides a man down the street just got stabbed with an ice dagger that has melted away leaving us with no murder weapon.